Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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