i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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