Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I love having hate sex.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
