when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
operation have a gay friend backfired
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
