bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize