i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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