4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
