Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
