i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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