One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
