Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize