I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
