Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
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