I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
