I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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