dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
You can't special order awesome
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize