I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
