why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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