it's not cheating when I paid for it
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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