i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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