I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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