yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i love accidental penises.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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