he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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