Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
