please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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