mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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