I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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