Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
