The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
