You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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