Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
