HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Barsexuality is the new black.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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