Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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