i wish semen tasted like chocolate
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
