My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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