Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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