I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
did you just send me my own nude
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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