Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
