Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
