Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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