you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I need moral support for this bender
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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