Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
