I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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