Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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