Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Randomize
