when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
