I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
