it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
