why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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