Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize