I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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