i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
