I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize