Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize