You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
