end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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