you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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