yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
