he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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