i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
there was a trapeze. enough said
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
