So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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