Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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