Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
