You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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