My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
