sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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