You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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