I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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