Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
