Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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