I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
