Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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